Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Birthday considerations

"There is still no cure for the common birthday."
John Glenn 

It's crazy how our birthdays can make us feel a little contemplative. 

Thursday is my birthday. This time last February I listened to the words of John Mayer in "Why Georgia" as he reflected the worries and thoughts I was experiencing as my day approached: 

"I rent a room and fill the spaces with wooden faces to make it feel like home... but all I feel's alone. 
It might be a quarter life crisis, just stirring in my soul. 
I wonder sometimes about the outcome, of a still verdictless life."

I was right there with him, wondering if I'd ever find an outcome, and how in all my life, I'd managed to feel no closer. I worried that I really wasn't going to have anything to show for the first big chunk of my life.

But then it arrived, and I felt my burden lighten. I remember actually thinking to myself, "wait... what was all the fuss about?" It didn't feel empty at all. In fact, it felt like the start of something new.

This last year has been possibly the best of my life. I have rediscovered my writing voice and re-established this blog. I have spent the months finding my style leading worship music, and have developed the underused vocal chords I so often have ignored in the past. I discovered Natural Life and Sevenly- brands that reflect some of my values and hopes and print them on t-shirts, wallets, and cell phone cases. I have lost weight, both physically in my new found love for the gym, and emotionally as I have given away bags and bags of the cumulative stuff that holds me down.

But most importantly, this year, I feel like I finally met with God and learned to walk with Him side by side. 

The more I give my life over to my Creator, the more wonderful it becomes. Without the burden of continuous worries, I sleep easier at night, and handle each day with the freedom of newness. Panic attacks are (mostly) a thing of the past for me now, even in situations that are out of my control. The concern of what the world thinks of me is slowly dissolving, and with it, the disillusion that I am all alone. Even when no one stands with me here, I know that I am not alone. But to be honest, God has given me such amazing friends, that even in my darkest moments, He can remind me how special and wonderfully made I am through them. 

During this time I have reconnected with my bible with a joy I haven't had in a long time. I have invented my own methods of dialoguing with God. I have seen Him in more then just the occasional sunset- indeed, I see Him everywhere, in everything, carefully conducting the orchestra that is my life. He is teaching me about mercy, about hope, about love. He is stirring up my heart to make changes for Him and for myself with His guidance. 

It's been an incredible age. Part of me stares 26 in the face and knows that if the last 365 days were good, there could be amazing things coming. 

But part of me wonders how it can get any better. 

I think it is part of human nature to have something good and fear it will go away. Sometimes I wonder if this has all just been one big moment of greatness... if after this, my life will return to the "normal" I once knew. It is a fear that I surpass with the truths that I have come to know- I have been changed by time. There is a joy in knowing that we have a purpose, that we are loved and valued and used for all we have. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but there are so many desires in my heart that have not yet been realized. And I know that God, who gives His children good things, knows those hopes that I have not even vocalized yet, never mind the ones I have actively sought after.

My point in all this is that sometimes we look back and all we see is the regrets that we have trailed behind us. But some times in life leave feelings of happiness and appreciation. I'm sorry to close the door on them, to leave 25 to memory. But maybe, in a few months, I will look back again and wonder what the fuss was about yet again. Maybe the epiphanies and beginnings will continue, and newness that I cannot yet imagine will occur. Maybe there will be more renewal, more raising of the things that I have thought have been put away in myself for good... of the dead in me that needs to be raised. 

And even now, in my trepidation for this next chapter, I can feel an anticipation whispering inside me, waiting for something wonderful to happen. I guess I can't know what is coming in this next year... I will just trust, pray, wait, and see. Maybe this is what growing up looks like- seeing not just what we are leaving behind, but instead, what we might be headed towards.

I'm still a little contemplative, but I look forward to this new beginning, this celebration of my day of birth. If nothing else, it's going to be quite an adventure.

I look forward to seeing what is in store.

1 comment:

  1. Happy Birthday dear Rae! It has been such an honor to meet you, and a joy to get to know you as a writer. May the next 10 years to 36 (where I am, incidentally) bring you amazing joy and love in your continued walk with God!