“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday.”
-Winnie the Pooh
Punk rock always makes me nostalgic for high school.
I remember the days of listening to Yellowcard blast out "If I could find you now, things would get better" into the night. (We had to blast the music, because in order to sing along, you had to half sing, half scream, and it was never pretty, and needed to be covered if you were going to do it right.) We'd literally drive to nowhere, tearing up our vocal chords, singing songs that we didn't really understand about people we didn't yet know.
I was a different person then, an emo girl with a misunderstanding of love, a distrust of the world around me, and a number of obstacles that stood between me and God. I was moody and often harsh, but inside I was also vulnerable and pondering, constantly wondering how to change my world without losing myself. I worried all the time, about everything from what to wear to what I would do with my life. I walked around with a constant fear that I would not be able to measure up to anything, or to complete easy tasks. In short, I was a teenager.
Flash forward to now, almost a full 8 years since my 18th birthday. My life is drastically different than how I saw it during my school years. I have seen adulthood from the other side. There have been weddings, there have been babies, there have been graduations of many kinds. There have also been funerals, seasons of being broke, and real heartaches. My life has, despite the worries of my angst-filled years, gone on. It's mellowed me out considerably.
But sometimes, I just really want to listen to The Starting Line. Because I want to remember who I was.
Recently, it occurred to me how the truth about love has really changed me. If you've been following my posts, you've seen me talk about how I want to love people whole heartedly and for all they are, not just the good they hold. I have a hard time doing this with the girl who lives in my past. I look back at her and all her sensitivities and often want to kick her for her dramatic attachments to things that were ultimately unimportant. I often say to my friends that I have a theory why God doesn't let us invent time travel- we might just go back in time and kill ourselves.
Past me is hard for present me to love.
Remember the episode of full house where Michelle has amnesia from the horse riding accident? At the end of the two-parter, if I remember correctly, the lost and confused Michelle meets the old, memory filled version of herself, and the two embrace and become one again. I almost envision this happening with all of us- the moment when we can step back in life and embrace who we used to be with who we've become is the moment we become whole. I mean, if everything happens for a reason, shouldn't we be glad for all we've been through? But it's hard when we measure ourselves up against the what-I-know-now standard.
So recently, I've been listening to some of that old music, trying to get a little bit of myself back. Because I always liked the music, and it always made me feel alive.
I hope one day that present me will look back on who I currently am, and laugh about how I struggled to understand things. I hope she will have cracked the solution to really loving whole heartedly. I hope that she will figure out how to get me to like more exercise and less ice cream. I hope that she will laugh about how I worry about my future now.
But mostly I just hope she will be able to embrace all that has occurred in her life, from start to finish. Even if she doesn't like punk rock anymore.